I have to apologise muchly to anyone who reads my ramblings occasionally. All has been quiet on the blunderbuss front lately and I’m very sorry. Basically I’ve been offered more work which I really need to take being freelance and have been trying to work three day weeks with only two days childcare. So any nap time, evenings and spare time at weekends has been spent kick bollock scrambling to get hours in. Fingers crossed though – I think we’ve got it sorted. I was going to write a long and worthy tome about childcare and work/life balance and the like. But to be honest I’ve been distracted by what can only be described as an escalation in the ongoing pizza arms race.
Last week a little bit of sick came into my mouth when through my door dropped a flyer for the new Pizza Hut hot dog stuffed crust option. And today lo and behold Dominos have mailed me something very similar. The only discernible difference being the structural hoo haa of actually attaching the sausage to the pizza. Pizza Hut have gone for the dismembered fingers sticking out from the pizza approach whereas Dominos have gone for a long flaccid ring of pink surrounding the pizza – it looks a little like that anti-smoking advert where all that gunk was squeezed out of the vein.
Now I’m not sure who came up with the idea first – or what form of industrial espionage resulted in them both coming to market at exactly the same time. But this episode of sausage wars (that has to be a porn name somewhere surely) just has to be completely out of step with current horse meat fallout Britain. Now I’d like to say now that I am no Dr (ha!) Gillian Mckeith. I like a takeaway. I have been known to eat a KFC Zinger Tower Burger when only mildly drunk and shhh! even enjoy it. But I have always had a bit of a thing about eating meat that at least vaguely looks like meat. Those massive logs of flesh that spin forever around dripping tears of flabby pain in a Kebab house are not meat. And frankfurters are surely border line. It’s the way that they sort of wobble around when you waggle them.
I love pizza too. Cheese, bread and complete control of toppings is not something that I would turn down willingly. But I am not under any misapprehension that I am having a healthy or indeed balanced meal. At no point have I, when eating a pizza, looked at it and thought that it just doesn’t look unhealthy enough. What is all this wasted space around the edge. Send it back – fill it with something, anything! I don’t care what – garlic sauce, a cheesy something-or-other and now finally a sausage like substance. You can even buy a pizza with a second base underneath the first base where guess what.. they’ve stuck in even more cheese. It’s the consumer version of the Alan Sugar approach to advertising (If you watch the Apprentice you know Sir Alan does not like paying for white space)’ I’ve paid for it, fill it with something’. But where does this end – do they have to create a phallic volcano of picnic meat in the centre pouring out molten cheesy, piri piri sauce chicken giblets before pizza consumers together state this is enough. Step away from my pizza and stop ruining a basically good product with your random foulness.